or is it better to just not have a job and make no money?

As if you don't know, I don't like working in the store. But I know I need the money if I'll ever pay off my school bills and the other bills I run across in my hum-drum existance.

BUT....It isn't that I don't like my job. It's more that I don't like the crap that comes along with it. I actually like working in the customer service field itself. I'm good at dealing with the public. I make the customer feel good about being there, and that is the whole reason I'm there. (that's the point of customer service..)

That said...

I want to quit my job. :-�

I get myself stressed out over things out of my control and then everything else just seems to go to hell.

I hate the feeling I have when I leave work at the end of the night. It's a feeling of utter uselessness, contempt (for myself), confusion, a sense of wasted time, and some bitter sort of emptiness.

When I first started working there I would come home feeling like I accomplished something. Like I did a damn good job.

Now it's like, I just worked 10 hours of my Saturday...and for what? Did anyone notice how hard I worked? Nope. Did anyone notice I had to cover for other people who were being lazy? Nope. Did anyone notice that I got called back from my hour lunch after 25 minutes so that someone else could go smoke? Nope. Did anyone notice that I've been passed over for just about every promotion there's been in the last 4 years? Nope. Did anyone notice I'm one of the only people left who was working there when the store opened? ....Say it with me...

Nope.

*sigh* I wish I could quit. I wish I could just up and leave and not worry about my family. I wish I could act like a 20 year old instead of an old woman. I wish I wish...I want I want... You don't get everything you wish for, or everything you want.

I wished on a falling star once.

I wished when I blew out all my birthday candles.

I wished with every coin I've thrown into fountains.

But why?

What good is it doing anyone to keep wishing for things we'll never get?

I'm indecisive. That's not so uncommon really. I went to school for over a year and learned great things about computers and how to make them do whatever you want them to do, and how to build them myself. But I'm not using my knowledge, I'm forgetting it.

My mom made a comment close to this, (about a guy she knew) well what do you expect from a C average high school graduate? I looked at her and said, "But I'm a C average high school graduate." And she said something like, yes you are, but you did go to a college later, and you had the brain to get better grades, you just didn't bother to do it. That shut me up. What was I supposed to say to that? It wasn't as if I wasn't pushed towards "greatness" I was. I was always asked how my day went and what I learned that day and if I had home work and those kinds of questions. I simply lacked ambition. I'm disgustingly apathetic. Just like my father, as my mom would say. My mom is about the exact opposite of me. An example...She's in those Who's who in American high schools books. She only ever got 1 C in her life, and that wasn't until college. I never even took my SAT's.

She would rather run around outside than read a book. I'm content sitting curled up in my chair reading a book cover to cover in a couple hours. She likes being the center of attention and I'm easy to forget. My little sister, is just like her. They are both perfectionists who always have to be right. I never think I'm right.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had been sent to live with my father after my parents divorce. But I don't know what would have happened, how could anyone? I think I'd have probably ended up like much of my father's family. A bitter drunk, or a grouchy former drunk with health problems. My mom has screwed up family members too, don't let me mislead you.

I'm going to stop now, for the simple reason that I have to go make myself presentable because this is the last trip I'm making to buy Christmas presents. I'm sure that when I get back I'll have more heart and soul to pour out to you poor unsuspecting people. Seems like I just can't handle bottling some stuff up any longer right now.